Edward, Edward, Edward, and Edward discuss the theory of the multivers
by Mental Incapacity
Summary: Edward Elric has a long conversation with himself. and two other him's as well. trigger warning for murder-suicide.


The Truth sure was a useless omnipotent omniscient silhouette looking motherfucker. Having the poor shrimp do his dirty work was almost insufferable but that's showbiz baby .

Edward Elric was sent barreling through the infinite abyss at the rate of 2.99792458x10 which is, needless to say, very fast.

After both, an immeasurably long time, and no time at all Edward landed on a big wooden table in a crowded dining hall fit for a dramatic feast.

One that was currently taking place in fact.

"JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS GOING ON!" yelled a kid In a yellow and black robe that Ed couldn't hear because he was out cold.

But he made a good cushion for the second him that landed on that table.

Wizards swarmed the table, not quite understanding what was happening, like at all.

And then a third Edward landed on the growing pile of Edwards.

"I didn't order the shrimp!" Yelled the third year who's plate on which the pile was currently residing.

"WHO YOU CALLING A SHRIMP!" The topmost Edward yelled before a fourth and final Edward fell, this one Bespectacled.

Dumbledore looked around, decided that the strange powers that be had stopped dropping dwarves on the Hufflepuff table and leaped over the teachers table slapped a fifth year Gryffindor and magicked himself, Edward(1st), Edward (2nd), Edward(3), and Edward(4th) to the hospital wing.

Edward(1) woke up to a blank white roof that made him feel the sudden urge to use the chamber pot.

As he looked around he felt a very strange Astral Project-y waking dream-esque looking in a mirror house mirror type feeling as on his left, there were two other him's in the beds directly to his left and he began to suspect that ling his slipped him more of the "God's Cow Tincture" the young emperor had had imported.

A third-fourth? Was he supposed to count himself? He assumed he should- fourth him was sitting in a chair wearing a ridiculous looking pair of glasses and reading a very fat book.

"What the hell?" Edward Numero Uno asklaimated(asked/exclaimed)

Number four looked up from his book.

"I see you're up." Number Four said, eyebrow raised

"Who are you?" Edward one asked.

"My name is Edward Elric-Van Hohenheim, the poisoned lungs alchemist."

'The fuck kinda name is that?' Dumbledore thought from behind a painting hidden behind a vase under a potted plant.

"The fuck kinda name is that?"Said Edward (1) just because he could.

"I invented mustard gas.'

'ah'

Suddenly, two blonds(2 and 3) shouted "ALPJONES!" jumped out of bed and ran for the door, and upon finding it locked ran for the window.

"Petrificus Totalus" yelled Dumbledore in broken latin causing both running Edwards to trip break their legs and cry.

"My name is Albus Dumbledore, I am the headmaster of this fine school, Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry" Dumbledore said loudly and proudly immediately all of the Edwards(1-4) looked up, eyebrows raised, inspiring Albus to get to the point already. "Now I'm sure three fine young men such as yourself can explain to me why you fell through the roof of the great Hall, smashed a third years plate soiled yourselves and passed out..." He trailed off.

Edward Elric Van Hohenheim raised his hand "they may have soiled themselves but I remain perfectly unsoiled."

Edward number three looked at Edward number four, opened his mouth, and Vomited all over him.

"How's that for unsoiled" he said, and then high fived number two.

"What the hell is going on!?" Edward number one yelled, jumping up and down, and waving his arms.

"To which surprising event are you referring?" Number Four asked.

"In ascending order of insanity: Witchcraft And Wizardry, Hospital, magic in general, four of us, what the hell is mustard gas?"

"Answering at random, we were probably injured and that's why we're here, Witchcraft and Wizardry probably refer to a channeling of magic via a medium, Mustard Gas is a chemical that turns your insides to poison, as for the number of us's here, I must ask you wether you are aware of the theory of infinite universes?" Elric-Van Hohenheim questioned dubiosly.

A chorus of answers came

One: yeah it's complete nonsense.

Two: I've read up on it and while it is an interesting theory it doesn't hold much scientific merit.

Three: me and Al went to the multiverse theory first because if there are infinite universes that would mean that there's an infinite number of universe where our mother is still alive and missing her son's. We eventually abandoned it and went to necromancy instead though.

"Necrom- WAIT! You mean /human transmutation/?" Four yelled, shocked.

"Yeah, what did you do when mom died?" Two implored.

"Your mom died?!" Three shouted.

One looked into the corner of the room like he was on the office or something before saying "look guys, we don't really need to talk about this. Four, tell us about this 'Infinite universe's' nonsense /please and thank you/"

Four looked confused for like half a second maybe but he caught up

"Yeah so it says that there's an infinite number of universes. If we extrapolate on that we can say that there's an infinite number of universes exactly like this one where this exact same thing happened and if that's the case then we can assume that you guys, like myself, made a deal with truth to take care of Edgelord Voldemort In exchange for endless knowledge or something like that."

One: I did it to get my brother back.

Two: my homunculus half brother impaled me through the heart and forced me to activate a transmutation circle that sent me here.

Three: I just kinda slipped and activated one of Alphonse's side projects I guess.

Albus was confused by all of this but didn't want to shatter the omniscient grandfather persona so he didn't say anything.

"Anyway," number four continued pushing up his glasses so that they did the anime character pushes up their glasses thing "I believe that we all made a deal at the same time so let's chalk it up to cosmic coincidence, yeah?" He ended with a question before Dumbledore pulled out a gun, shot them all and then himself.

 **howdy y'all.** **sure has been a while.** **this is a lump of shit that took me six whole hours. check that shit out.** **none of the weird spammy shit tbh.** **whatevs.** **11:49 am.** **saturday, December second.**


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